I am super excited for the return of Downton Abbey but I can’t bare the idea of it not being Matthew and Mary.
I might be brain-damaged but I am not stupid- I will never have a daughter. I know that for certain.
—The most tragic man that me and dad met on the ferry. He broke my heart
I seriously want to do this but I couldn’t deal with the ice cream being on my hands
The armchair expert
The armchair expert. Most popularly used in reference to sport about people who sit and watch, often at in the comfort of their own homes and scream at a TV or the ref, or the players; elevating their status to something of an expert. Simply put, a person who knows a lot about a subject but has little practical experience of it. In crude terms, that fat person who’s always going on about the best diets or that person who always fails miserably in exams handing out revision advice. On a deeper level, it’s those people who are completely disenchanted with the world so choose to languish on the sidelines but can tell you how society needs to change or why everything is so messed up in the world. They don’t like what they see so they decide not to associate themselves with “The norm”, heck, they often position themselves in direct opposition to anything mainstream because it is the enemy. But there is only so much you can grasp while observing form afar and in order to change society, your school, your work environment or your world, you actually have to be apart of it. Otherwise, nobody will listen. They will treat what you have to say as hypocrisy, even if it is valid. You see, we have a knee-jerk reaction to such advice, passing it off with a “You don’t know what it’s like so you can’t judge.” The only way you will ever get heard is if you’re actually in the thick of it, on the front line. Credibility doesn’t come from a complete lack of any links, it comes from being apart but being different. So you don’t like what you see? Come down and make an active effort to change things because you’re changing nothing by sitting on your pedestal, hurling abuse at the rest of us.
Packing up a life
So I don’t leave for University for another 4 weeks but if you lived like me and never actually bothered to get rid of stuff that you no longer need, 4 weeks isn’t actually that long a time to get rid of all the crap that you have amassed over the years. Also, given my ‘laid back nature’ a.k.a laziness, I still have to do A LOT if reading and other boring stuff to do in that time so I really should get on.
For some people, boxing up all their stuff is a delightful process. They can’t wait to leave home and are excited for the future. And sure, I am really looking forward to getting away and starting this new chapter. But if I were to say that the process of leaving was a joy I’d be a lying little twerp. It takes AGES and how much fun can you actually have sifting through old Percy the Park Keeper books or getting rid of a seemingly endless lot of Polly Pockets?
For others, getting rid of some stuff is a sad time. And they’d be right, if they mean that looking at clothes you couldn’t ever fit into now is desperately tragic or discovering all that work that took you hours was pointless. Some people have serious hoarding issues and must keep everything of sentimental value but how much value can that cheap, tacky, bear with one eye and half a nose that you won from a fair have. After all, it is just stuff.
For me it is nostalgic. Whether it’s laughing at the old track suits that you thought were the way forward (and were clearly anything but), pulling out those silly board games that amused you for hours as a child, finding that christmas present that was ridiculously expensive and that you only used once or staring at those Cherished Teddies (insert other appropriate item here) that you spent years collecting- it all makes you think back.
And yet you wouldn’t go back. That stuff was fun at the time, but you have moved on and rightly so. Getting rid of the physical items doesn’t diminish the memories, it just frees you of all the clutter that those memories came attached to. Now you’re ready to start hoarding a new lot of rubbish, for this next stage of your life.
He is seriously funny but also a really talented musician.
Losing the will…
LITERALLY, this week I have nearly died of exhaustion. I came back from holiday last friday, nicely rested, bronzed and raring to go. Next factor in 55 hours with a load of toddlers who all have never-ending infections, which they have kindly given to me. What’s more, add to the mix a youth in which my mum is trying to cater for 300, but didn’t know she was actually doing until the day we arrived back, 1 day before the camp started. So this week I have been waking up at 5 am and leaving the house at 6.15 am, and not returning at all until as late as 2.00 am in the morning. So, please forgive me for my silence.
Where are you?
So… I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth and neither have I been placed in a mental institute (apparently some people think I have.) No, I have gone into ‘sleep’ mode for the Summer. As a favour to my mum, I have been working a 50 hour week at her nursery, and despite the fact that I love children, it is slowly killing me. Plus, this Friday, I am off for 2 weeks to a gorgeous 5* resort in the Canaries for my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary. Why I am going, I am not quite sure. I think my mum just wants me around her before I leave for Uni in September. Anyway, whatever the reason she wants me there, I am not complaining. On top of that I am supposed to be doing lots of preliminary reading and I have stepped up the training. Hence, I haven’t disappeared, just taken a step back.
The aftermath…
So we all have those evenings where things go wrong. Things are said, things happen that are unexpected and a generally dreadful evening is had by all (even worse when it’s something you organised as you feel to blame). Anyway, when they’re over, you’re left in a state of limbo. ‘Is it me?’ ‘I’m confused’ ‘What just happened?’ ‘Did they mean it?’ You don’t want to overreact but at the same time you might be a little bit dazed, perhaps peeved and sometimes you just feel miserable. Then, you come to your senses and you think, “It will all look better in the morning, after a good nights rest. I am not thinking objectively about this, so thinking about it isn’t helping.” Or at least that is what most people do. Unfortunately, as we have already established I am a bit weird and most definitely ridiculous. Hence I can’t just switch off and forget. No, I am resigned to spending the next few hours picking up the pieces, going over and over every minute detail, angry at myself for making myself vulnerable. What’s worse is that I somehow feel responsible for the people in my company and their happiness. If it goes wrong (as it seems to quite frequently nowadays) I feel like I have failed. And in many senses I probably have and so I feel I’d rather not try again and risk a similar episode. So I sit and wallow in the aftermath, rather agitated and quite upset. I know I am an abrasive person who is quiet the wind-up merchant and thus I should expect nothing less. And yet, you take it to heart, storing it up for one of those ‘beat yourself up’ days (not literally of course, otherwise I would be certifiably insane.) One thing is for sure, I have climbed one rung on higher on my “Ladder to cynicism and bitterness.” The only problem being it’s a step I can’t afford to take and it seems that the only plausible thing to do next would to become a recluse and never venture out into the world, but that would kind of defeat the purpose. Hence I settle for a somewhat moderate stance of removing myself from the situation and avoiding anything that may lead me back there.
-A somewhat unstructured, emotional, painfully-honest post that will no doubt serve only to confuse or offend or perhaps if I strike the jackpot, both! As requested… The aftermath.
Loneliness
Loneliness. It’s a miserable thing. Mother Theresa said, “The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” And I have no doubt whatsoever that she was completely right. I have never viewed loneliness as the ‘absence of people’ for my life is filled with wonderful diverse people, but I think of it as the lack of impact that those around you have on your life. The fact that you feel completely isolated and alone with your issues even when you can’t move for people. It’s not even that people don’t care. It’s about being disconnected from them and their feelings towards you. It’s the idea that their caring won’t make a blind bit of difference. It’s terribly sad in reality. I am a person who has been blessed with a great family and more people around me that I can shake a stick at. And yet I have an awful lot of ‘lonely days’ as I like to think of them. Why? I suppose it’s because I shut people out. I have done all my life. Turns out I am pretty good at it; too good. And so I have become accustomed to the sense of loneliness in my life. I haven’t quite got to the same stage as Henry Rollins who said, “Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.” But I have decided to view my predicament in an altogether different light. As Paul Tillich pointed out, “Language…has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” Hence, never again will I allow myself to fall into the trap of feeling lonely. Instead I shall revel in my solitude (at least until I can’t anymore, and I can’t imagine that it will last very long.)
